I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
