i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
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Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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