Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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