a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
