sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
