Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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