I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
