There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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