it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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