so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
