i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
