hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
