dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize