Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
