Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dicks are not precious.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
