he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
