I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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