I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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