so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
soo... how was my night?