I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
