Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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