Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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