Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
