Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
