I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
