I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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