Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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