my soul wont recognize me after tonight
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
