My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
