FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
