i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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