Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Two words: blizzard sex
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
