I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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