I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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