Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
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She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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