I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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