splinters make it hard to masturbate
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
