John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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