I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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