Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
