yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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