how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
