You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
