I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
