i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
