I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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