An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Your penis caused this!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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