I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
