Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
