When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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