Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
