dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
