my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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