my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
