Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i will never coherently bang her
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
